QUENTIN LETTS: Pour me a hemlock martini. The cliches at the Lib Dem conference give you early-onset rigor mortis

One newspaper claimed there are 5,000 Lib Dems in Brighton for their conference. Are these hordes in the pubs? Playing fruit machines on the pier? Sunning themselves at the nudie beach? They certainly weren’t jamming the conference hall for day three of a ruthlessly bland affair. Attendance was on a par with a church fete.

‘Do you remember when we had such hopeful young people?’ asked Jane Dodds, her plaintive words echoing in a near-empty hall. Ms Dodds is leader of the Lib Dems in the Welsh Senedd, where they have, er, one member. She leads herself.

Her question was met with

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